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Friday, September 10, 2021

What does Grief feel like?

 

What does Grief feel like?

Grief feels like you are moving through a bad dream you can’t wake up from. 

Grief is constantly asking “Why?” and knowing even if you had the answers they would never be good enough.

Grief is feeling lost in the places you have been before and being homesick for the past.

Grief feels like a deep ache that you can’t seem to pinpoint where it hurts…but the pain is there. 

Grief is feeling a part of you went away with them on the day they died. 

Grief is people saying lots of unhelpful things because they want you to feel better. Little do they know that when they say “They would want you to happy/strong” makes us feel that we are disappointing the ones we lost for feeling like we do. 

Grief is just going through the motions of your day in a steady haze.

Grief is the constant tug of war of holding on tightly to what was and letting go of what might have been. 

Grief is walking through a thick brain fog with your loss always on your mind but your daily tasks far from it. 

Grief is Googling if how you are feeling is normal and desperately looking for a timelines for when you might be better. Being rushed by others to move on makes this even harder to heal on your own time. 

Grief is having the overwhelming feeling of guilt for moving on without them or for things that were said or went unsaid. 

Grief is comparing yourself to how others are grieving and wondering if you are doing it right.

Grief is losing that feeling of “being home”. 

Grief is the feeling of being alone when you are with a group of people. 

Grief shakes you to your core, spins you around and drops you off in the middle of wreckage exposing your vulnerability. 

Grief is judging yourself for not being further than you are in your healing. Talk to yourself like you are consoling your best friend if they were going through the same thing. 

Grief can make you feel anger and question your faith. 

Grief can feel different from day to day even hour by hour. There are emotional ups and downs, drop offs, exhausting climbs and switch backs. 

Grief is the tossing and turning of sleepless nights and just wanting some respite from your own thoughts.

Grief cant be outrun. It catches up with you. Feeling it (even the sharpest edges) is the only way through. 

Grief can sometimes feel like looking at the world through a dark filter with the colors you used to love muted in comparison.

Grief is whispering “I miss you” and looking everywhere for a sign from them.  

Grief is worrying that you will never feel normal and comfortable in your own life again.

Grief feels like just wanting a hug or a simple “I’m here for you” instead of people trying to rationalize your loss or try to fix how you are feeling. 

Grief is the rude awakening that when your whole world world has stopped, the rest of the world keeps moving unscathed. 

Grief feels like choosing to be alone because small talk is exhausting and being with people who can’t relate feels even more isolating. 

Grief feels like suffocating on the reality that there will be no new memories so you hold on so tightly to the past. 

Grief feels like backing out of plans because you aren’t sure how you will feel on that particular day.

Grief feels like fear. We have seen that life is fragile and that can bring out anxiety and panic attacks. 

Grief is waking up in the morning and losing them all over again.

Grief is going about your everyday tasks and being hit with a wave of sadness and disbelief at the realization that they are gone. 

Grief feels like being deep in dispair and for some time, it may feel like you don’t have a place in this world. 

Grief feels like being back to the first day you lost them after hearing a particular song or driving past a place you enjoyed together.

Grief is feeling a little jealous of seeing others with their loved ones and envious of seeing people in their mundane lives. 

Grief feels like dreading holidays and special events instead of how you used to look forward to them.

Grief is trying to pretend you are ok on the outside while feeling torn apart on the inside. 

Grief is wanting others to mention their loved one and wishing people knew that it helps to hear their name and stories about them. They are never far from our minds anyways.

Grief is learning that these feelings are ever changing and it will be with us in some degree for the rest of our lives. 

Grief is a measure of how much love you gave them while they were here so the pain is of losing them fills that empty space. In time, we learn how to live with that heaviness. 

The heartache begins to soften. 

Tears and smiles can coexist. 

Grief is learning how to keep them close to us in other ways. The best memories can never die. And because of that, we will carry it with us until we see them again

Written by Kristie Reitz

The After Glow

Crystal Michelle Fallin June 19, 1984 - August 18, 2019

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